like all true believers

i've never claimed perfection, though lord knows i've tried my hardest...or at least have been deluded enough to think so. failure was never an option growing up--not for me. i believed that if i read enough and prayed enough and preached enough and went to church enough, i could make it. and each time i missed out on one of those, i was sure to hear it from those i trusted in. "accountability partner" is what they called it. and when you miss one day of devotion, you think, "what's the point with continuing? i should just quit now." but they would tell you to just pick up where you left off. easier said than done. one day missed would become two, then three, then a week, then a month. there was no catching up. i would stress, thinking i was a hypocrite and not worthy. i thought it was the end of the world. and where am i now? happier than i've ever been, right? i have no set time to talk to my spiritual parent. i have no devotion with dates tied to it. my bible collects dust on my bookshelf--one other book to read when i get around to it. but i don't feel like i am doing a disservice to my spiritual life. i feel better than i ever have. my god is my god and no one else's god. my god understands me. my god holds me. my god knows that i do not have all the answers. my god knows that i doubt. my god is okay with my asking questions. my god is a true loving god; not like the god that was preached to me every sunday when i was "growing up." their god did not accept those who made mistakes. their god turned away from those who questioned. their god did not seem loving. their god always seem to be judging me. my mom says i need to find a home church to attend. even if i did, i would only stay for the music and leave when the preacher started his or her sermon. music connects me and my god. my god gave me a talent and i use it for his/her/its glory. spirituality, not religiosity. who can ever understand my love for my god? no one. and it is up to no earthly creature to understand. my mom thought i would grow up to be a missionary. i'm no missionary--at least, not the way my mom sees it. i do not force my beliefs on others. if they ask, i share, but i will not force them into something they do not want to be forced into. i do not believe in "sharing the gospel" the way my mom thinks is necessary. "we're here to win lives," she says. perhaps you are, but i am here to win nothing. win lives. what is that, anyway? what does that mean? win lives. it is not a contest,...though i know some from my old church that think it is. "repent now! i'm one soul away from getting that new microwave i've been wanting." what is that about? my god just wants me to be real. real with myself and real with others. my god delights in the fact that i question because it gives my god the opportunity to share more with me. i crave knowledge. my god knows this and loves teaching me new things and sharing things with me. and i delight in my god. i don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but it makes perfect sense to me...and my god.
i think Linford Detweiler said it best in his liner notes for over the rhine's "films for radio": i think maybe this recording, this collection of songs is about internal worlds, about the dialogue that runs inside all of us, conversations we have with ourselves. we hope anyone who hears these songs will find some fresh language and maybe a soundtrack of sorts for the stories we're all writing everyday with our lives, whether or not we ever pick up a pen. these days are pages, these years chapters. a plot emerges which is sometimes lost, often revised. characters come and go, the people i have known, the limited cast of humans that one life can bear. some i betray, some i love. some i admire, some i pity. some i teach, some teach me. some i lust after, some are naked and i hope to clothe them. and he was right...

if this should end tomorrow
all our best laid plans
and all our typical fears
am i running out of lifetimes
this is not the first time
something ends in just tears

but tomorrow i can't imagine
how am i supposed to know
what's yet to go down
is there only one religion
the kind that whispers
when nobody comes around

the world can wait
the world can wait
i want to drink the water from your well
i want to tell you things i'll never tell
the world can wait
the world can wait
i'm wide awake
and the world can wait

i want to feel and then some
i have five senses
i need thousands more at least
every day a page of paper
every night a photograph
a moveable feast

so fade to black and white now
roll the movie of my life
inside of my head
'cause like all true believers
i am truly skeptical
of all that i have said

the world can wait
the world can wait
i want to drink the water from your well
i want to tell you things i'll never tell
the world can wait
the world can wait
i'm wide awake
and the world can wait

haven't i said enough
haven't i said far too much
haven't i done enough
haven't i done far too much
far too much
the world can wait

~ over the rhine